OCTOBER 30, 2019
INADR
  A wedding of mediators
    Tribes, astronauts, and being “right”
Mary Lou Frank, Ph.D., INADR President, Psychologist, Mediator, Professor
Conflflict has been studied and researched by
numerous disciplines and we still fifind ourselves
getting caught up in its drama in our lives and in our
world. A recent report by Shapiro, White, and Shakleton (2019) out of Harvard described how the tribal mentality explained many of the ways we get embroiled in conflflict. Individual and group interests, fears, threats, egos, and pressures can usher us down the road to conflflict. This study difffferentiates the “tribal” mentality from a perspective that allows us to move beyond and develop a broader vision of ourselves in context. While tribes view themselves as difffferent from others, astronauts had a unique perspective of how, when they left earth’s atmosphere, they saw how we all shared a common world, having the same, basic experiences. Astronauts were able to focus on the broader perspective and commonality of being human. Shifting a point of view can help people move from feeling they need to be “right” to recognizing that others have rights and viewpoints that may be just as valid.
When we raised our two daughters, we quickly became aware of how conflflict was a natural part of the process of growing and developing. When our children would come home from school and relate how “wrong” some other child was being and how “they were right,” we listened with full attention. We knew the trap of “rightness” as it is steeped in the “tribal” viewpoint of “us” and “them.” We always asked our daughters to talk about what the other child might be thinking and saying to their parents. We then posed the question that seems to be attributed to more authors than I could possibly site in this newsletter, “Is it better to be right or to be kind?” Somehow, that always stumped them. They knew the follow-up comment would be, “You may be ‘dead right,’ but what have you gained? Have you lost a friend?”
Many mediators know the value of helping people fifind another viewpoint in conflflicted situations and are skillful in helping them through this abyss. In INADR we value “peaceful resolution of conflflict, conciliation and healing.” Still, we all can benefifit from remembering that there is value to our communities in helping people step back and get an overview of the situation, to help them see commonalities not just difffferences, and to know the often underrated value of kindness, over needing to be “right.” Shapiro, D.L, White, F., & Shakleton, (2019, August 1). Overcoming the tribes effffect: The overview effffect as a means to promote conflflict resolution. Peace and Conflflict: Journal of Peace Psychology.
2